It’s been about 7 weeks since I broke up with Mr. Jetsetter. It hasn’t been easy moving on. The hopeless romantic part of me had some hope left. But the more I think about how humiliating and painful this has been. The process of having to let go of the guy that I thought about spending the rest of my life with didn’t choose me and our relationship in the end. I’m a fighter. Not a quitter. The only time I may stop fighting for something is when I realize that it’s an impasse at an endgame.
Valentine’s Day sucks! I can’t help but be reminded I’m single. To think back about my relationship and how it was a really unhealthy. It was on and off. Mostly off. I wish I could go back to like the first few “dates” and tell myself to dump him. But it’s over. I have no feelings of anything other than anger at myself for being so dumb. It’s a part of life. We all make mistakes. We don’t weed out the bad apples all the time. We can get “tricked” by the guy and not see it until it’s too late. Not every guy out there is a trickster but they do exist.
So Mr. Freeloader was a guy that used me for pretty much anything and I allowed him. I felt pity for him, so I thought I could help him get his life together and I guess fix him (like he was a broken vase). Life Lesson: You can not fix people because you are not a doctor, etc.
After I finally decided that I had enough. I broke it off. He went crazy and I feared for my life but we both moved on. He had moved on while “dating” me with some girl he got pregnant. Oh and he was doing lots of cocaine apparently.
Anyways, after that ended. I still hold some resentment and anger. I’m working on letting that go completely. But we are all works in progress, aren’t we? Can this year be the year of letting go of the past?
I was the “black sheep” of a family I lived with, let’s just say the things I went through as a little girl, no little girl should have to go through. When I became old enough and the toxicity was too much, I decided emancipation was probably the going to be the best decision in my life. By the way, It was! I had me, myself, and I plus my besties, whom I consider my family. I’ve always been independent and I needed to separate myself from a bad people and a bad home. Forgiving and forgetting is a slow process. We are all flawed humans.
I have been slowly trying to let go of the things in my past that I keep in the back of my mind. Letting go is not easy. I realize that I need to stop feeling like a victim and more of a survivor. Yes, bad things happened. People hurt me. People I thought I loved hurt me. In my mind, I always kept asking “why?” But answers aren’t always there. We make mistakes, more times than not we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. It’s all a vicious cycle.
Most of us expect some sort of closure. “I’m sorry for hurting you, etc.…” Sadly we don’t always get that closure. I know I won’t. I can go tell the person, “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?” They might not remember, blame me, or try to brush off. They may react in so many different ways.
I will forgive them and forget what they did. But I’m setting boundaries. Is that a grudge? I don’t think so. People are capable of many things. We all know that. I would rather treat people that were in my life with respect, dignity, and civility.
Maybe I’m being naive. But I won’t let people walk all over me. I’m just saying that I personally won’t be getting to close to these people. That’s my way of dealing with it. What are your ways of dealing with forgiving and forgetting?