Love, I’m Letting You Go…

 

It’s been about 7 weeks since I broke up with Mr. Jetsetter. It hasn’t been easy moving on. The hopeless romantic part of me had some hope left. But the more I think about how humiliating and painful this has been. The process of having to let go of the guy that I thought about spending the rest of my life with didn’t choose me and our relationship in the end. I’m a fighter. Not a quitter. The only time I may stop fighting for something is when I realize that it’s an impasse at an endgame.

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State of Insanity #NikkInsanity

I now realize that it is going to involve a shitload of work on myself. The past few months I have misdirected my anger. I thought I was angry at Mr. Commitmentphobe and I did an awesome job of convincing myself that he is the perpetrator of my settling on unhappy and non-committal situation. I felt helpless to change thing.

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In reality, I am a willing participant in this whole situation. I want to be happy, so I am taking my part of the responsibility for the mess that I am in. It is not all his fault even if I was initially “led” on and given hope. Maybe when I realized that he wanted to see me and other people, I should have drawn boundaries i.e. no sleepovers. I should treat him like everyone else I go out with, chill with, or provide company to. Maybe I would have a different outcome, maybe not.

Insanity is trying to do the same thing and expecting different results. Maybe I am a little insane. I am working on it. I felt repeatedly rejected and abandoned since he didn’t seem to make enough time to spend with me, talk to me over the phone, or even text more than one sentence or two. I hope I’m not becoming bitter, resentful, and distant.  You see, he did say to only try as hard as I think he is trying. Who says that?

Suffering is optional and pain is an unpleasant fact. Life is not always fair, not to be a martyr or whatever but it always seems like I get the short end of the stick. Maybe I need to stop thinking that way. I know that we can choose to allow our feelings of helplessness that come from feeling unable to change pain. I tend to respond to pain in a myriad of ways but I need to choose the one way that would guarantee change. It is a vicious cycle and I am not trying to change who he is because his true self is there he just chose to be in denial and pushed me away.

I have finally thought this out, without overanalyzing it too much. I can make a choice: stop focusing on him as having problems and start focusing on me having issues that I need to deal with. I guess I think there is someone worthy there hence the reason I am still there. I do not want to continue to be settling and unhappy.

I need more growth and I think this is a lesson from the Universe. I do not want to be like those girls hang around waiting on a guy. Has anyone else faced a similar situation?

Xo
NikkiKat

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Death of Relationships

fbd978ad04f5aab163da856c96023648They say that the grieving process is:

  1. Denial, numbness, shock
  2. Bargaining
  3. Depression
  4. Anger
  5. Acceptance

I just kept going back and forth through every step. It was hard to believe that it was over. I try to treat everyone like I want to be treated. So I never brought drama to the relationship. Yes, there were like maybe 3 instances when I was upset but I dealt with it and spoke up. I’m not the type to let things linger. I want to get them out in the open and deal with them as they happen. I was angry because I felt like the friendship I had with him meant a lot. Because of his actions in the end, it feels like it wasn’t. Like I was just a person to have company and have fun with. Someone to use and dispose of. I kept blaming myself trying to think if I pushed  too hard for commitment. I don’t think I ever did though. I think I brought it up twice and then just went with the flow of things. I allowed us to be independent. I was not the crazy type to go and check in on him to make sure he was home or call to find out with whom he was with. The pain of being disrespected in the end and not being given a chance for an explanation really brought me down into sadness and despair. A dark depression that I let upset me and yo-yo my weight. Now I’m working out for me. Before, after, and while seeing him, I was always active. So it’s not like I’m going into the “work” on myself cliché. It’s just something one does. We get tired of complaining about our bodies and we do something about it. I made myself busy by volunteering at quite a few places. Giving to others has warmed my heart. It’s a form of love. Loving others and in return loving myself even if they don’t love me back. It’s okay with me. I’m giving people that need help my time and it warms my heart. So I think I’m going to go out and meet people. Just to put myself out there. I can’t sit and wait for someone to just pop into my life. I have to go out there and be seen. Who knows maybe I will have new friends. If not then it’s okay. I’m out here and alive. But always look for quality over quantity.

XO,

NIKKI KAT

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Forgive and Forget

I was the “black sheep” of a family I lived with, let’s just say the things I went through as a little girl, no little girl should have to go through. When I became old enough and the toxicity was too much, I decided emancipation was probably the going to be the best decision in my life. By the way, It was! I had me, myself, and I plus my besties, whom I consider my family. I’ve always been independent and I needed to separate myself from a bad people and a bad home. Forgiving and forgetting is a slow process. We are all flawed humans.

past

I have been slowly trying to let go of the things in my past that I keep in the back of my mind. Letting go is not easy. I realize that I need to stop feeling like a victim and more of a survivor. Yes, bad things happened. People hurt me. People I thought I loved hurt me. In my mind, I always kept asking “why?” But answers aren’t always there. We make mistakes, more times than not we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. It’s all a vicious cycle.

Most of us expect some sort of closure. “I’m sorry for hurting you, etc.…” Sadly we don’t always get that closure. I know I won’t. I can go tell the person, “WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?” They might not remember, blame me, or try to brush off. They may react in so many different ways.

spit

I will forgive them and forget what they did. But I’m setting boundaries. Is that a grudge? I don’t think so. People are capable of many things. We all know that. I would rather treat people that were in my life with respect, dignity, and civility.

Maybe I’m being naive. But I won’t let people walk all over me. I’m just saying that I personally won’t be getting to close to these people. That’s my way of dealing with it. What are your ways of dealing with forgiving and forgetting?

XO

NikkiKat

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