As little girls some of us dream of Prince Charming and not Prince Harming. This hopeless romance becomes ingrained in our minds and maybe it’s a combination of our own fault, Disney, society, and fairy tales. When we don’t get our happy endings, we start to doubt ourselves. Are we good enough? Why can’t I have that happy ending? Unfortunately life isn’t always fair. Maybe there isn’t someone for everyone. Maybe I’m just being negative because I’m tired of investing in friendships, dating and relationships that end up going nowhere or end up breaking my heart.
I’m tired of losing people. I’ve experienced loss since I was a little girl. Maybe that’s f*cked me up and I still carry that baggage. Maybe it’s that every time I’m vulnerable, I don’t get that back from someone and I end up losing them. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because tomorrow will be a month since I broke up with my ex that I thought was the guy that would be my happy beginning and ending. I thought finally someone that gets me! He sees me inside and out. He tells me that he loves me and actually means it. Maybe I can’t understand how someone changes from being incredibly in love with you and seeing a future to not wanting to be with you and work out on issues together as a team. I’m in his corner and he’s in mine.
I didn’t expect to be f*cked over twice. Second time being the worst betrayal and deception I’ve only seen in movies and never thought would happen to me. Maybe he saved me the trouble and showed me who he truly is and not the man I thought he was. In the end it was obvious that our values didn’t match like I thought they did. We are human and we make mistakes but when you love someone, shouldn’t you think before you f*ck someone over? If you truly love someone, wouldn’t you tell yourself that you are making a mistake? Or put yourself in the other person’s shoes? I’m not sure which is worse, the disappointment of someone you love or the broken heart they caused. Maybe I never truly knew him. Maybe I gave chances when I shouldn’t have. I’ll never know. I can’t understand why I’m taking this so hard if I’m the one that was always in the relationship, I didn’t check out and not talk about any issue, I’m not the one that f*cked the other over. Why do I feel so dead inside? Questioning myself can lead to self-reflection.
Maybe in time, I will understand. Maybe not. Only time will tell, unfortunately. The time thing is true. I look back at prior friendships and relationships that ended and now I don’t feel a thing about them. There’s a saying that “best way to get over someone, is to get under someone,” except I’m not into rebounds, sleeping around, one night stands, f*ckbuddies, or friends with benefits. If people like doing all of the above, that’s for them. I can only applaud them for being able to do that. It’s just not for me. I’m not a prude, I’m just not that kind of girl plus I need an emotional connection, know the guy, etc. I’ve seen firsthand the drama that sleeping around and rebounds from friends. I don’t need that drama.
It takes me months and years to get over someone after breaking up. Maybe I need ManCleanse; the idea is to stay off men completely, no platonic dates, no casual dating, sex, dinner, friends with benefits arrangements, nothing! You set the rules. Maybe you could talk to guys but not go on dates. I hope this is the last one. I know I tried to do one last year but I didn’t complete it. Thinking back now, maybe I should have. I think I let Mr. Jettsetter, get back into my life too soon. I just need to reflect, work out issues, let things go, refuel, get myself together, and go back to a clean and emotionally healthy slate. I don’t want to bring issues into a date or relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to the next guy. I think if I decide to ever date again, I will set my standards higher, make sure our values match up better, pay attention to red flags, communicate better, and learn to adapt better. There are probably more things. I’m just stating what I feel at the moment needs improvement. I’ve always worked on myself; I’m just not sure where I fell flat.
Thoughts? Tell me in the comments!
Until next time,