I now realize that it is going to involve a shitload of work on myself. The past few months I have misdirected my anger. I thought I was angry at Mr. Commitmentphobe and I did an awesome job of convincing myself that he is the perpetrator of my settling on unhappy and non-committal situation. I felt helpless to change thing.
In reality, I am a willing participant in this whole situation. I want to be happy, so I am taking my part of the responsibility for the mess that I am in. It is not all his fault even if I was initially “led” on and given hope. Maybe when I realized that he wanted to see me and other people, I should have drawn boundaries i.e. no sleepovers. I should treat him like everyone else I go out with, chill with, or provide company to. Maybe I would have a different outcome, maybe not.
Insanity is trying to do the same thing and expecting different results. Maybe I am a little insane. I am working on it. I felt repeatedly rejected and abandoned since he didn’t seem to make enough time to spend with me, talk to me over the phone, or even text more than one sentence or two. I hope I’m not becoming bitter, resentful, and distant. You see, he did say to only try as hard as I think he is trying. Who says that?
Suffering is optional and pain is an unpleasant fact. Life is not always fair, not to be a martyr or whatever but it always seems like I get the short end of the stick. Maybe I need to stop thinking that way. I know that we can choose to allow our feelings of helplessness that come from feeling unable to change pain. I tend to respond to pain in a myriad of ways but I need to choose the one way that would guarantee change. It is a vicious cycle and I am not trying to change who he is because his true self is there he just chose to be in denial and pushed me away.
I have finally thought this out, without overanalyzing it too much. I can make a choice: stop focusing on him as having problems and start focusing on me having issues that I need to deal with. I guess I think there is someone worthy there hence the reason I am still there. I do not want to continue to be settling and unhappy.
I need more growth and I think this is a lesson from the Universe. I do not want to be like those girls hang around waiting on a guy. Has anyone else faced a similar situation?