I feel like he “ruined me” albeit I allowed it. I just need to STOP the blame game, trying to analyze, read too much into stuff. IT JUST SUCKS! There are days when I’m completely fine. I think about the memories and then they are just that memories. I don’t overthink them. I don’t allow them to take control over me. It’s like a quick thought and it’s gone. But there are other times when I get really emotional. Maybe I’m not supposed to really “understand” or get an “answer.” Kind of like, why do people burn and die in fires? It just is. Let it flow. Let it go.
I guess I like to question things way too much. I can’t just be a zombie and follow. I’m keeping busy but maybe it’s not enough? I know I’m strong enough. I realized that I underestimated my resilience but no matter how hard I make my “heart” be. It’s still a heart. It still has “feelings.” I don’t like pity parties.
There are times when I think if I disappeared one of these days, maybe I would not be missed. I would runaway to another country. It’s sad to think that way. I’ve always been better off alone. I don’t know. AM I CRAZY? I’m on the road to self-actualization yet I’m allowing pitiful setbacks to try to keep me from reaching my fullest potential. Am I making sense?