They say that the grieving process is:
- Denial, numbness, shock
I just kept going back and forth through every step. It was hard to believe that it was over. I try to treat everyone like I want to be treated. So I never brought drama to the relationship. Yes, there were like maybe 3 instances when I was upset but I dealt with it and spoke up. I’m not the type to let things linger. I want to get them out in the open and deal with them as they happen. I was angry because I felt like the friendship I had with him meant a lot. Because of his actions in the end, it feels like it wasn’t. Like I was just a person to have company and have fun with. Someone to use and dispose of. I kept blaming myself trying to think if I pushed too hard for commitment. I don’t think I ever did though. I think I brought it up twice and then just went with the flow of things. I allowed us to be independent. I was not the crazy type to go and check in on him to make sure he was home or call to find out with whom he was with. The pain of being disrespected in the end and not being given a chance for an explanation really brought me down into sadness and despair. A dark depression that I let upset me and yo-yo my weight. Now I’m working out for me. Before, after, and while seeing him, I was always active. So it’s not like I’m going into the “work” on myself cliché. It’s just something one does. We get tired of complaining about our bodies and we do something about it. I made myself busy by volunteering at quite a few places. Giving to others has warmed my heart. It’s a form of love. Loving others and in return loving myself even if they don’t love me back. It’s okay with me. I’m giving people that need help my time and it warms my heart. So I think I’m going to go out and meet people. Just to put myself out there. I can’t sit and wait for someone to just pop into my life. I have to go out there and be seen. Who knows maybe I will have new friends. If not then it’s okay. I’m out here and alive. But always look for quality over quantity.